Fishrudder's Level 1 writing app

Level being applied for:

Link: http://www.redwallslegacy.com/SMF/index.php?action=profile;u=183;sa=showPosts

Current Position(s): N/A "Newbie"

Title: New Member

Have you ever been banned or restricted or received a warning?: Nope
If so, then why? -

Write Two paragraphs or more Describing: If it's not acceptable, let me know, but, I treasure this post, simply because I killed off my first character, it still makes me sad…

It had been quite some time since Stealth had been alone. He had been sent out on patrol, there was a group of vermin not far from the fort and Fishrudder and Finnerator wanted information on it. He had volunteered and had been chosen.*

He had been walking for about a glass (Hour) when he ran into an otter, they started talking, Stealth told the young female otter what he was doing as they walked, she decided to join him. The walked and talked for a while until signs of vermin started showing up frequently, they quieted down and continued forward. They stepped out from a brush to encounter a patrol of vermin! About twenty in all, why there was that many he would never know. Though it wouldn't be long.

With that the two otters, Stealth and Irian engaged the vermin. It was a lopsided fight. Stealth immediately killed a rat with a spear with a thrust of his dagger. He and Irian went back to back. Surrounded by almost 15 vermin, several had fled, supposedly to bring back reinforcements. Irian was capable with the sling she carried and was periodically slinging rocks at vermin and whacking them with a loaded sling.

Stealth parried a blow from a fox with a spear on his right side, but it was just a feint. A young weasel slipped a dagger between his ribs. He roared in pain, turned and slew the weasel with a upward thrust to the throat. The fox with the spear thrust forward, leaving another gaping hole in Stealth's side. It was the end for Stealth and his friend. He continued fighting, he was going insane he screamedIrian get out of here She argued for a second by staying but then fled, leaving Stealth alone, with 10 vermin. Two gaping holes in his chest. One lung pierced. He was having trouble parrying. The fox that injured him swung his spear, Stealth stepped inside and thrust forward. Piercing the fox's heart. He was surrounded. All that was left was Rats, eight of them. He flew towards one, piercing it's windpipe, turned to the rat next to him and punched him in the face. Leaving a long tubular hole in the rat's face, instantly killing him. A rat somehow disarmed Stealth, all he had left was his punching gauntlets, elbow daggers and his surprise blade which he popped out. He elbowed a rat in the face. Killing it, there were 6 left, but his frenzy was leaving him he could feel the loss of blood and exhaustion setting upon him, he used the surprise blade and pierced a rats heart. Then a rat from behind him saw his chance and stabbed down. It pierced through his neck, as he fell forward his elbow dagger caught the rat in the chest, it only penetrated about a 2 centimeters, but it ran all the way down to his knee cap, it would scar him forever.

With that Stealth slowly faded from this world, the the Dark Gates. He would finally reconcile with his father and mother who he had fought with for years, before his father beat him and threw him out of the house. His last fleeting thoughts were, I'm sorry Fishrudder, I failed

Narrative: With that death, a warrior left this earth, bound for another, who knows, one may be able to take his place, but not likely. He had served for many years. And trained a Captain to fight. If that Captain had been here today, He would still be alive. But because of a foolish decision, he died. Maybe, someday, they will find him and know what he tried to do. He died trying to rid the world of another vermin band. The odds were stacked against him, 10:1 or higher throughout the entire fight. Yet he still managed to take some with him. With that we say farewell to a warrior's life

OOC: Goodbye my first character, I will miss you, unfortunately, you were no good any more, you were to undeveloped, all though your son will come 😉 I don't want to hear anything about G-Moding, He died, so be quiet

BIC: While Stealth and Irian were walking Stealth told her the location of Otter's Fort she immediately went there to tell them of Stealth's fate, She got there and started banging on the gates, waiting for someone to open it and answer her.

I, Fishrudder, do solemnly affirm that I will maintain the example of my skill that is demonstrated by this application inside and outside of the writing level 1 boards and will always maintain the rules to the best of my ability.

Hmm, that post was a little G-modding, but, that's because it had to be a bang, I'll rewrite it if neccessary, I just C+Ped it.

Better then some I have seen. You do have an ability to slip in some strong words here and there, but over all, your sentences are a little weak in parts. For one thing, there are points when you need to start a new sentence, and you put a comma there instead. Try to proof read it before you post. Also, there are some spots where you have really short sentences. They need to be a little bit longer in places. For instance, "He roared in pain, turned and slew the weasel with a upward thrust to the throat." There is a very abrupt switch between him "Roaring in pain," and then killing the weasel. You need to kind of smooth it out. An alterative would be to split it into two different sentences, while at the same time, keeping to the main flow of the sentence preceding it. One way to do it would be, "As he parried a blow from his left, a young weasel slipped behind him and plunged a dagger into his back. As he felt the blade slice into his ribs, he roared in pain. Whirling around, he slew the vermin with one fell swoop of his javlin."
  I know it isn't the best example, but it will do. I was keeping to a specific thought during each sentence, avoiding the distraction of other things that are popping into my head. I know as well as many others on here that we all want to get what we are thinking onto paper and fast, but you have to be patient with it, or you will mess up.
  Other then that, you are doing fine. I think you will reach level 1 in a few weeks if you work hard. Once you see yourself improving in those things, then come back and I will vote in favor of it.

CQ, I don't see the 'rough language' you speak of, but I'm from a rougher crowd. As far as changes in diction, we're not looking for English professors here; we're looking for the basics of competent composition (alliteration, yay!).

Honestly, I'd think that that the first actual level is a definite.

Well, my bad. Sorry Fish. I don't really know, then, what Seth was wanting done with this. I have yet to be given a full synopsis of what this is used for and how to handle an application. He pretty much leaves me out of the loop.

I was just giving my opinion of the post because I thought that level 1 was for like a top writers area of the forum. Heck, do we have an board like that or is it just a title? O_o I am confused.

Also that post is quite old. I have two high school english writing classes under my belt now… it helped... alot... haha, Thanks though.

CQ the top is advanced writing. If I was going for that. I'd have made my own. AND proofread it...

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